Drowning

And finding buoyancy with anxiety

I can always find her in the water.

On land, I have learned how to keep my breathing steady through the waves of busyness so that even when I feel her presence lurking she poses minimal threat.

But in the water there is no escape from her tenacity.

When my heart starts racing and my breath feels insufficient, my mind plummets and this part of me begins to panic.

She rises like an uncoordinated and heavy doggy-paddle, disrupting my strong rhythm and smooth pace.

I have always hated this feeling: like starting to drown when you’re just trying to swim.

And I have always loved the sensations and freedom of swimming fast and free.

So for awhile I learned to compensate with focusing on developing my skills, for naturally I assumed the deficiency was me.

And that did help.

I completed a handful of triathlons focusing on my skills, and although she was there too, I didn’t drown.

Eventually, I thought, I would be rid of her.

Surely she would get bored from being ignored!

But similar to the children around us, those within us don’t leave because of neglect.

It all came to a head about a year ago when she surprise attacked me on a swim test I took for the Navy personal fitness test.

She rose up so loud and so strong and I experienced the mounting sensation of a panic attack with nowhere to go except to quit.

But in my next hyper-ventilation inhale, I recognized the whole of the situation.

I suddenly saw her so clearly, for the first time.

I saw her panic and fear as a precious and vulnerable part of my own self.

I realized: She just wants to be seen, she wants to be heard, she wants to feel safe.

She squeezes me tight; my heart rate increases.

She floods my mind with doubts and guilts, echoing the mantra “you’re not enough!”

She’s so scared.

She doesn’t want to be left behind.

She doesn’t want me to fail.

And so I slow my pace, hold her face in my mind, and invite her to come along.

“Hop on my back” I say to my precious, anxious part.

I assure her, “I’ve got you. I can understand why you’re scared, but I’m not giving up, and I’m not letting go. Let’s swim the rest of this distance together.”

And that’s when everything shifts.

Instead of drowning, I feel buoyed.

Instead of pulling me under, I’m lifting her up.

I can be a buoy for my anxiety, my anxiety doesn’t have to drown me, and I don’t have to drown my anxiety.

It doesn’t have to be “me against her”.

We are stronger and wiser together.

---

Note: I have processed a lot of physical and internal work in therapy through swimming. Along with the cross-body movements of yoga, swimming is a powerful, multi-sensory calming activity that is a powerful reset for my nervous system. Additionally, there’s something profound about the left/right head movements that has correlated and enhanced the left/right eye movement therapy (EMDR) that I have done as part of my process to heal from trauma. I’d love to know if you have found similar benefit from physical activity!